Just pondering in my thoughts

I am just sitting in my room waiting until it's time to get my older 2 from school. My younger 2 are taking a late nap and my middle child is playing with Grandma. I am just sitting here thinking.



About what I am not sure. But I know that it is allot at the same time. I have so much to be thankful for but at the same time I still feel like I am not grateful for most of it. I always think I will be happy when the bills are paid. I will be happy when we have a little more room for the kids. Or when this happens or that. I don't really need materials things...other than the basic things...food, clothes, and shelter. I like having a few wants...TV (just basic no cable), microwave, dishwasher, dryer, and washing machine.



But I don't need an expensive car...just one big enough to fit our family of 8 (we have a Honda Mini Van), or a million dollar house. I just need what God has planned for us. I am trying to learn to lean on God and learn to want and wait for God's plan for my life instead of trying to do what I want. It is hard. I would love to have another girl. I love my daughter and I want her to have a sister. I want to have another daughter. But that may not be God's plan for us. We may not have anymore kids. And I need to be ok with that. But my heart aches for another daughter. I would love to adopt. My heart breaks every time I see those kids that need real families that will love them and care about them for life. But that may not be what God has planned for us. That is the thing. I don't know God's plan for me and my family. Only he does. And unfortunately not matter how many time I ask...he hasn't told me more that I need to know at that moment.



So I am learning to wait patiently. It is really hard. But I am trying. I know God's plan for me is better than a plan that I could ever dream of. So I will keep waiting to see what he has planned for us.. As I do, I enjoy each day that I have with the children I have. I love them so much. I am so sad that they are all growing up. My youngest is now 6 1/2, my twins are 5, my little girl just turned 3, and my baby is almost 18 months. I can't believe it. It goes by so fast!! But I love them all. They are a handful at times....But I am so blessed to have them and all that goes with having 5 kids.



It is allot of work and isn't for everyone. But I always wanted a big family. If we had a bigger house and an endless amount of money I would have a ton more....But that isn't going to happen right now. So I need to come back to reality and get things done here. I am starting to cook more at night for dinner. My hubby and mom are getting home later since she started her new store. So that is an adjustment, but we are all doing the best we can.



Do you ever feel alone in a room full of people? I do at times. Not sure why...But I have always felt like this from time to time. I know I am loved and cared about by so many people.....God is the most important one to me.... His love and mercy is over flowing!!! He carries me when I can go one more inch. He is my biggest fan and my best friend. He is my Heavenly Father. My earthly Father is with him already. I know that God is with me always. He has never left me even when I have fallen off the road that leads to him. When I fall he wipes me tears and wipes me stains away and leads me back to the road and walks with me again. He loves me so much. He taught me to love!!!! I owe everything to him!!!

Well, I had to leave after that last paragraph to get the boy's. So I have lost my train of thought from yesterday. But I have a few thoughts for today. They will be quick because I really want to take a nap....

I have been really thinking about homeschooling my oldest child. He is in 1st grade right now. He is doing better now that we are really working hard at home with him. But we work with him for like 2 hours at least every day. With all that time we could just home school. I really feel God telling me this is the right thing to do. His really needs more one on one or small group interaction that he can get from school. He teacher is really working hard with him and doing the best she can do. But she has 17 other kids to teach. She isn't able to just sit down and teach him like I would be able to.. My hubby isn't sure about this and that frustrates me. I wish he would just be support and back me up completely.... Something I really need to pray about.

Anyways, what are your thoughts? My twins will be in kindergarten next year so it would just be my younger 2 and my oldest. This would allow me to start working with my daughter who just turn 3. I have very excited about this. So hopefully it will work out and will continue to be God's plan for us...


Mommy of 5